The Dinamo DJ played the theme tune to the film Mission: Impossible as the names of the Dundee United players were read out before kick-off last night.
He may have been having a joke at the Tangerines’ expense but it was no laughing matter for United as they crashed to their heaviest-ever defeat in continental competition in this Europa League third qualifying round tie in Moscow.
It took only two minutes for the home side to open the scoring, with Igor Semshov on target, then Aleksandr Kokorin made it two with a header on 22 minutes.
Five minutes before the break, it was 3-0 as Dinamo cut the Tangerines open again. This time it was Artur Yusupov’s turn to do the damage.
It was their worst European defeat since a 4-0 home loss to Vitesse Arnhem in the 1990-91 UEFA Cup and the Muscovites’ first aggregate success over a Scottish side in continental competition.
There was even bad news before kick-off for the Tangerines when defender Sean Dillon failed to recover from the groin injury he picked up against Hibs on Sunday.
Into the side came summer signing Brian McLean to take Dillon’s place at the heart of the backline.
The Russians, supposedly rocked by the exit of coach Sergei Silkin earlier this week and reeling from their dreadful start to the domestic season, made some significant changes.
Out went 25-year-old goalkeeper Anton Shunin, so shaky last week when put under pressure by United’s frontmen. Between the posts was the vastly more experienced 38-year-old Roman Berezovsky.
Dropped to the bench was Croatian international centre-back Gordon Schildeneld to be replaced by Argentinian Leandro Fernandez.
And, of course, in the dugout instead of Silkin was caretaker coach Dmitri Khokhlov his first match in temporary charge.
Compared to Dinamo, United had made a fine start to their league campaign, thumping Hibs 3-0 on Sunday. That was the reason the 200 or so supporters who had made this long and tiring journey over from Scotland had hope in their hearts.
With the aforementioned DJ belting out dance tunes, the United fans were having a ball before kick-off and were well separated from the home supporters and there seemed to be no danger of any trouble inside the ground.
Willo Flood and Johnny Russell got the game under way, with manager Peter Houston’s wish to have a go no doubt on their minds. However, the Scots fell behind after just two minutes.
A beautiful threaded pass from the centre of the park from Artur Yusupov found its way to Marko Lomic out on the left wing. He cut the ball back across the box and it was struck first time into the net by Igor Semshov, who was standing just inside the area.
It was a shocking start for the Tannadice men and they had to compose themselves quickly. The home side, by comparison, had any nerves they were suffering from wiped away by the early goal.
United made it up the park on 11 minutes when Keith Watson tried to land his cross on the head of the inrushing Jon Daly but veteran Berezovsky collected.
Up at the other end, Russian international Kokorin tried to catch out United goalie Radoslaw Cierzniak with a chip from the corner of the box and his effort wasn’t too far away.
Daly got his head on a Flood cross on the quarter-hour but never really threatened Berezovsky.
The mission become almost impossible on 22 minutes when United were cut open by another sweeping Dinamo move down the left.
Hungarian 19 million euros man Dzsudzsak, so far almost anonymous in this contest, made his way down the wing before chipping the ball across to Kokorin, who bulleted a header beyond Cierzniak to make it 2-0 on the night and 4-2 to Dinamo on aggregate.
Watson was booked for hacking Dzsudzsak two minutes later then Gary Mackay-Steven was clattered by Vladimir Rykov, earning the Russian a caution.
Kokorin broke clear on the half-hour mark and was able to get his shot in but Cierzniak did brilliantly to come out and block.
The Tangerines were on the back foot again on 32 minutes when Kokorin found captain Kevin Kuranyi and the German’s shot had to be pushed away by the outstretched hand of a diving Cierzniak.
The big Pole was the busiest man in the Russian capital as the Dinamo attacks just kept on coming. He must have been relieved to see some pressure put on his opposite number for once and Berezovsky didn’t look too clever when dealing with a Daly header, his fumble almost saw the ball find its way to the feet of the waiting Russell.
Normal service was resumed on 40 minutes, though, when Yusupov raced clear with United’s defence in his wake and he stroked his shot past Cierzniak.
United looked stunned to find themselves three down with so much of the game to go but they almost nicked one back in the closing minute of the opening period when a Flood free-kick had to be tipped over.
The visitors started the second period with an attempt at the Dynamo goal, Russell lashing the ball over, then Kuranyi should have made it four at the other end on 50 minutes when he nodded wide when it looked easier to score.
Kokorin then cut the defence to threads again and he should have scored, too, inexplicably firing over with only Cierzniak to beat. Dinamo showed how relaxed they were about the night when they took off Yusupov, Dzsudzsak and Rykov with 27 minutes to go.
United were still working hard, though, and Richie Ryan came close on 69 minutes when his strike flew just over. Kuranyi then had probably the worst miss of the night on 82 minutes when he sclaffed his shot over the bar from a fabulous position.
But the home side weren’t finished and sub Aleksandr Sapeta barged his way through the United defence with seven minutes to go, showed some fancy footwork then lifted the ball over Cierzniak.
Sapeta then grabbed a fifth with just a minute to go and it was a shot from distance that once again gave the United goalie no chance.
It was a shame for the goalie to lose so many as one real plus from an otherwise grim night was his display. He wasn’t at fault for any of the Dinamo counters and were it not for him the scoreline would have been much worse.
United will now aim to take out their frustration on city rivals Dundee when they next play in the Tannadice derby a week on Sunday.