How’s your father. He’s very well thank you, why do you ask?

By Steve Finan

November 20 2021, 12:00pm

In the modern world many things have been softened by euphemistic language. People don’t say what they mean. We don’t call a spade a spade, it is a manual excavation facilitator.

This is true on almost every subject bar one – sex. Nowadays, people discuss sex, gender, and sexual practices in anatomical detail. I’ve learned a lot, though somehow still don’t understand much.

When I was young, if sex was talked about at all people said anything but what they meant. It was puzzling to a youth who always tended to take things literally. When it came to you-know-what, I didn’t.

I could hardly ask my mother. I’d get a skelped lug, not an explanation. Like most who grew up in post-war Scotland I had to work it out for myself.

References to “a bit of how’s your father” puzzled me. He’s very well, thank you. Why do you ask?

I remember reading about GIs “consoling” British women whose menfolk were overseas. Well into adulthood I had a mental picture of American soldiers saying “there, there”, and fetching cups of tea. Similarly, if I had known of a fallen woman I’d have helped her to her feet.

“Making the beast with two backs” (a Shakespearean phrase) is physiologically impossible, even I knew that. And “the national indoor game”, to my youthful mind, was surely Monopoly. “Necking” sounded intriguing. I thought it meant a couple rubbing the back of their necks together, but had no idea what might be gained from this.

I did have suspicions about some phrases, but they sounded terribly dull. “To lie with” wouldn’t be much fun. Were you allowed to talk? “To sleep with” sounded similarly uneventful. Why was there such a fuss about these things?

“Roll in the hay” isn’t trundling bales towards a barn. You can’t blow your nose in a bit of hanky-panky. Loose women isn’t an escaped flock of them. And there are types of rubbers that are utterly useless when you have mis-spelled words.

At Sunday School I learned that “Cain knew his wife” – and she became with child. I knew lots of girls at school. I sat next to them in class. Luckily, none had a baby because of this.

And I observed that Batman on TV often went back to base, so I reasoned “second base” must be an alternative underground den containing the Batphone and Batmobile. To my surprise, some years later, it turned out to be entirely different.