Let me start with a health warning: don’t let misused apostrophes annoy you too much, because you’d be annoyed all the time. That isn’t good for your blood pressure.
But retain your capacity to be annoyed, even if just a little bit.
As a defence mechanism I think we have all developed apostrophe blindness and (almost) don’t notice cafe’s selling tea’s and coffee’s. And I’ve given up trying to invent sense-making endings for sentences which start: “Not Suitable For HGV’s”.
This week I came across an abomination that irked so much I must share it.
I saw a Burn’s Night (they meant Burns Night) shop sign for traditional Scottish fare. It offered: “Haggi’s Neep’s and Tattie’s”. Three apostrophes, three capitals, no commas. Neep’s is standard apostrophe misuse – it is almost expected. Tattie’s is worse. But Haggi’s?
What goes on in the mind of anyone intelligent enough to own a shop, engage with customers, calculate change from £20 – but who writes “haggis” with an apostrophe?
With a smile, I told the shop assistant the sign needed no apostrophes. She smiled back, but didn’t care a bit. I don’t think she even understood what I meant, and I doubt she wrote the sign anyway.
But perhaps she might mention it to management. Perhaps I inspired a pause for thought the next time a sign is written.
The problem is the letter S. Bizarrely, some people appear to think that every word that ends with an S urgently requires an apostrophe.
I sometimes wonder which word might be immune to this apostrophe vandalism? The planet Venus? Las Vegas? His? Surely no one could write hi’s instead of his?
But then, I have seen signs telling of ladie’s toilet’s, two kilo’s of raspberrie’s, and a railway report of leave’s on the line. A friend swears she once saw a sign for “Swis’s chee’se”.
The English-speaking world is caught in a downward spiral of ignorance and the rate of decline is steepening. The more people see ludicrously-placed apostrophes, the more they think: “That must be the right way to use one!”
Therefore, every day the legion of the damned apostrophe misusers gets an influx of new recruits.
We who know how to use apostrophes should push back. Too many of us, when faced with egregious errors, merely tut and shake our heads.
But do not go gently into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the right way to punctuate.
Point out errors. Be polite, of course. Say it with a smile. But say it.
Word of the week
Barghest (noun)
A goblin in the shape of a dog, said to portend death or misfortune. EG: “Meeting a barghest would be bad, but a barghes’t would be worse!”
Read the latest Oh my word! every Saturday in The Courier. Contact me at sfinan@dctmedia.co.uk
