It has been a month since I offered, via this column, to save the world from apostrophe aberrations. I said I’d go to any school, university, or workplace to deliver a guaranteed cure.
I had reached the end of my tether with shop signs advertising shoe’s or pie’s, or which claimed they weren’t open on Sunday’s.
How many organisations or individuals got in touch, do you think?
When making your guess remember to take into account that I offered this service at no charge, and mentioned I’d be particularly eager to speak to people tasked with printing signs.
Have you arrived at an estimate? Good. I can, then, reveal that the number of people who contacted me was: nil. Zero, zilch, zip, nada. I scored a duck.
I shouldn’t be surprised. Few care about proper English usage any more. Dear reader, you and I are a dying breed.
The demise of proper English is why I saw cold slaw on a menu this week. It is also why I saw in tact as two words.
I noticed a Facebook post exhorting Dundee FC to “do diligence” in their search for a new manager. I read sooth, when soothe was meant. I came across bally instead of ballet. I regularly see loose instead of lose. Summery is not summary. You cannot be decapitated from the knees down.
If you are absolutely ravishing, it doesn’t mean you are hungry (though you might look good).
To refute is to categorically disprove; it doesn’t mean a mere difference of opinion.
“Up against the cosh” doesn’t make sense. Bouquet is not bookay. Evoke and provoke are not interchangeable. The phrase is “at an impasse”, not “in an inpass”, for goodness’ sake!
A claim that “the Monkeypox outbreak could just be the peak of the iceberg” is close to correct. But still daft.
Palate (roof of the mouth), palette (for mixing paint), and pallet (forklifted on to lorries) are different things. It took a while to work out where “catman do” is. And I hope I never find my way to the Peek District.
Perhaps most ridiculous, instead of “seize the day”, I saw “see’s the day”. Which brings me back to misplaced apostrophes (although punctuation is far from all that is wrong with that phrase!)
Incorrectly used apostrophes are now more common than correctly used ones. Sadly, those getting it wrong don’t know they’re getting it wrong. Therefore, the mistakes will never be rectified.
We no longer have a language with rules which are widely obeyed. We have an approximation of English in which errors and sloppy usage are accepted as “just the way it is”.
Will the last person to use an apostrophe correctly please put out the light’s.
Word of the week
Orotund (adjective)
(Of a voice) rich, resonant, and imposing. EG: “No one wanted to endure my orotund utterings on errant apostrophes.”
Read the latest Oh my word! every Saturday in The Courier. Contact me at sfinan@dctmedia.co.uk
