As a younger man, aged 17 or 18, I boxed and played football. I was whip-thin, toned and tanned, a rubber ball of sinew and muscle. Dearie me, how things have changed.
One summer day, I was honing my fitness with sprints and sit-ups on a patch of grass near home. It was warm, I wore only the tight, very short shorts fashionable in the late 1970s. A woman emerged from a nearby house clutching a jar of Colman’s mustard. She must have been feeling the heat as several blouse buttons were undone. She said, “Be a darling, use your muscles to screw my lid off.” I obliged, though it wasn’t tightly on.
She then purred that if she needed anything else taken off she’d come to me. If I wanted something I could come to her. She was always available (a beat of inky eyelash accompanied the final word).
As she turned she must have pulled a ligament, resulting in exaggerated hip movements. It couldn’t have been too painful for she flashed a smile lurid with predator-red lipstick.
I hadn’t a clue what was wrong with the poor woman. It took me years to figure out her needs may have been more fleshly than mustardly.
It was a sales pitch (of a sort). I dislike sales talk. A naïve and innocent laddie like me is easily confused by sly hidden meanings.
The other day a number I didn’t recognise came up on my phone which I answered (I usually don’t). I was informed I was receiving “a courtesy call”. It was an unsolicited sales pitch, albeit in friendly tones.
I point it out as a running joke when I see “affordable” written into slick adverts. The proffered items, without fail, will not be genuinely affordable. The word’s meaning has been reversed.
Firms claim they love to save you money, but mean they are desperate for you to spend money.
I was buttonholed by a saleswoman in a mall who asked if I’d considered “adapting” my hair. It turned out she meant dye it. I’m slightly ashamed to say I laughed.
Linked to this are job titles. I feel sorry for youngsters inveigled into roles that appear fecund with opportunity but fall sadly short. Bright-eyed hopefuls, wise with marketing degrees, become brand champions, social media ninjas, consumer engagement gurus, or executive this, that, or the other.
The jobs consist of phoning people like me who rarely understand what they are trying to sell, far less actually want to buy.
As with the mustard woman, I’m unable to see the attraction.
Word of the week
Abnegate (verb)
To deny oneself. EG: “I chose to abnegate the charms of the haggard old woman, who was 26 if she was a day!”
Read the latest Oh my word! every Saturday in The Courier. Contact me at sfinan@dctmedia.co.uk
