If you want to spot a fake Santa Claus, check the eyebrows.
That’s what the real Father Christmas tells me on his visit to Perth’s Black Watch Castle and Museum ahead of his big flight on Christmas Eve.
“Too many so-called Santas go about with a white beard and white hair, and black eyebrows!” he huffs lightly, riffling his beard.
“My eyebrows, as you’ll see, are white, from years of getting washed in the snow.”
Up close, he looks just like the movies – jolly red suit, long white beard and twinkling eyes behind his wire-rimmed spectacles, all sitting under those shocking white eyebrows.
Indeed, although he commends all the Hollywood portrayals of himself that he’s seen over the years, he quips: “There’s nothing quite like the real thing, is there?”
He’s not wrong.
With his sleigh parked outside and reindeer “running about and annoying the golfers on the North Inch” Santa – also known as Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, Papa Noel and 120 other monikers worldwide – is in good spirits as he visits around 90 nursery children at the castle.
“Ho-ho-ho, I very much enjoy coming to Perth,” he says. “It’s not like the North Pole, all covered in snow.
“But no matter where I am am, or what I’m called, I’m the bringer of presents. I’m happy to be called any of my 124 names, so long as I’m bringing toys to the children.”
Toys have changed, but children remains the same, says Santa Claus
And despite toys having changed “so much” from the wooden figures he started off making in his workshop, old Saint Nick admits he’s getting a bit of deja vu this year, as 2023 sees the resurgence of requests for toys from years gone by.
“Barbie is very popular this year for some reason!” he observes. “With the girls, and the boys – well, she’s for anyone, really! And Lego is very popular too.
“There’s some things I don’t quite understand, like ‘Fingerlings’ and ‘Tech Decks’,” continues Santa. “But my elves do! They’re very small, but very intelligent – and so is Mrs Claus. She keeps everyone right.”
The toys may have changed, but having been the bringer of presents for longer than anyone – including himself – can remember, Santa assures me that children remain the same.
“Children are children, the whole world over,” he smiles, crinkling his eyes. “They always have been, and they always will be.
“The toys may change, but the joy on their faces stays the same. That’s what keeps me going – and what keeps everyone else going too, I think.”
Keeping going has been a concern for many in recent years, with economic instability, skyrocketing fuel prices and the Covid pandemic throwing the whole world – and thousands of Christmases – into disarray.
And even the North Pole has felt the effects of the world’s crises.
“The way the world is just now is not too clever,” Santa says, with a sombre look.
“I saw, from where I was watching in the North Pole, the great effect that Covid has had on children. Two or three years for a child is a long, long time. It’s a long time in adult time, but even more for a child.
“What I would like, would be for everybody to turn to their neighbour and smile, or shake their hands, or give them a hug, all round the world.
“Because the world’s round – or nearly round – it’ll come back to you!”
Putting reindeer bullying and mother-kissing rumours to bed
A noble sentiment. But I’m surprised to learn that in the grip of a cost of living crisis, Santa Claus is not in fact a Living Wage employer.
Questioned on this, Nick insists that’s because Santa’s workshop – run by the elves – and well as his reindeer-led delivery operation, is a vocation, not a business.
“I don’t pay anybody, because if you pay people, it implies work,” he explains.
“And that’s not the case here. We’re a family, Mrs Claus, myself, the elves and the reindeer. And we do it because we love to do it.”
But with a hefty benefits package including room and board – or, as Santa puts it, “warm beds and lots of nice food” – and a generous holiday allowance of nearly 300 days a year, it’s hard to find fault with his leadership style.
And he assures me that contrary to pervasive rumours which have plagued the sleigh-puller, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is no longer bullied for his luminescent snout.
“Oh no, not at all!” Santa says, throwing his gloved hands up jovially.
“Without Rudolph, we would be lost, because his red nose leads us. And the other reindeer love him.”
In fact, he’s even training up a new reindeer, after having the same team – Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen – for the last few decades.
“There’s a girl reindeer I’m bringing on now to the squad. She’s still quite little, and her name’s Olive,” Santa reveals.
“She’s in the song, if you listen carefully: ‘Olive, the other reindeer’.”
On the note of stories spread in song, there’s one slanderous claim that Santa is keen to put to bed.
That is, the accusation that while on present-delivering duty each December 24, he has been spotted kissing mothers underneath mistletoe.
“No, no, no!” he exclaims, a hint of frustration making his rosy cheeks even ruddier.
“Mrs Claus and I have been together for I don’t know how long, and I love her very much. Plus, I’m far too busy on Christmas Eve to be doing all that!”
Indeed, it seems to bother Santa himself more than his wife, who he insists “laughs” when she hears the claims.
‘There is no naughty list’ – shock revelation from Santa Claus
But when it comes to secrets, there’s only one kind that Santa is keeping – and that’s the secrets told to him by children.
“The letters are secrets between myself and the children,” he smiles. But then his smile drops a little. “Some of them are sad. Children will ask me to bring back lost loved ones sometimes.
“I can’t do that. But I do remember one letter!” he brightens.
“I can’t tell you who it was from of course, but a little girl wrote to me, not wanting a present for herself. Instead, she wanted a new set teeth for her granny.
“To me, that’s the true meaning of Christmas – giving. So if you have plenty, why not give to those who have little, or none? You’ll feel so good for giving.”
Clearly, that one little girl had her place cemented on Santa’s ‘Nice’ list. But what about the ‘Naughty’ list? In 2023, what does a child have to do to be put on it; and more importantly, can they get back off it again?
“Listen, in my book there’s no naughty list,” Santa reveals, in a statement that will dismay many parents of unruly little ones.
“There’s only the nice list. And it’s easy to be nice. As long as you keep trying, you’ll be on my nice list. There will be fall-backs, you’ll retreat a little bit – but come forward again! That’s the way.”
Beer is no-go for steering a sleigh
Of course, if in doubt, one tried and tested way to please Santa Claus is to leave him a little treat. And it turns out, he’s pickier than we might expect.
“Milk and mince pies!” booms Santa cheerfully. “Always, always milk and mince pies.”
He won’t be drawn on the question of Pepsi versus Coke; but he does warn that beer isn’t the best for sleigh-driving.
“People try to leave me bottles of beer – but could you imagine if I was going round the world drinking bottles of beer at every house? I would never get there, would I?
“Luckily, my reindeer do all the flying, and we do all our parking on roofs. There’s no double-yellows on rooftops!”
They may not have double-yellows, but the disappearance of working chimneys from rooftops has been a concern for many children around the world, who fear that without a chimney, Santa might miss their house.
So how does he know where to go? And how will he get in?
“Ah,” he says knowingly, peering over the rim of his glasses.
“Well, that’s easy. I have a magic key.”
Five festive questions for Santa Claus
- What book are you reading?
‘Twas the night before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore. - Who’s your hero/heroine?
Mrs Claus, she keeps all the elves and reindeer under control!
- Do you speak any foreign languages?
I’m known in 124 languages, and I know them all! - What’s your favourite band/music?
Joy To The World is my favourite song – and hopefully one day it will come about. - What’s your most treasured possession?
All the letters from children.
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