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LESLEY HART: Manifesto for the middle aged

As Lesley's twin baby sister and brother turn 40, she decides to give them a guide to middle age (although she is not middle aged, of course).

Lesley has a handy guide for middle age.
Lesley has a handy guide for middle age.

My baby sister and brother (twins) are turning 40 this month. Which is astonishing, given that I’m only 35 and my big sister is still claiming to be 33.

I know age is only a number, you’re as old as you feel, etc, etc, but big sister and I are raging that the twins have had the audacity to clock up 40 years, implying that we’re further into the foothills of middle age than they are. The cheek!

It’s the timing

Of all the ages of life, middle age is the least popular because it arrives just as the proverbial boat leaves, and you are gripped by the horror of missing that boat – even if taking the boat had never occurred to you before, or you haven’t the stomach for sailing

. I don’t play tennis or own a tutu but when I realised, aged 40, that I would never win Wimbledon or become a ballerina, I felt oddly bereft.

Though part of me still believes otherwise. This is why denial is the preferred mindset of the middle aged, and my best years in ballet are still ahead of me.

 

That said, the twins turning 40 has got me thinking that, rather than lament or flat out deny middle age, it might be better to own and celebrate it. So, as a birthday treat, I’ve drawn up a new manifesto for the 40 plus:

How to survive middle age

1. Party in the daytime – that way you can avoid all those annoying young people out on the town at night and put your creaking body to bed with a sleepy tea by 9pm. God knows, you need your sleep. And you don’t want to risk a hangover at your age (brutal).

2. Embrace the elasticated waist, celebrate baggy, and prioritise circulation over your skinny jeans from 2004.

3. Turn into your parents. They went to the bother of having you, it’s the least you can do. Plus, at this point of life, resisting this inevitable transition from ‘chip’ into ‘old block’ is futile. Let the fussiness in restaurants, dangerous driving, bad puns, and malapropisms roll.

4. Plan your mid-life crisis. Just get in front of it, accepting that a crisis of some kind is inevitable and making sure that when you grow that mullet, take up kite surfing and buy a Harley Davidson, you get on the appropriate insurance and whatever medication you need to stay the right side of certifiable.

5. Don’t despair. If age is just a number, then middle age is an abstract and slippery concept – like imaginary slime. If you lived 300 years ago, you’d be middle aged in your twenties, but in 300 years’ time middle age could be anything from 20 to 90, depending on how things go with climate change. Of course, by then you’ll be dead, and maybe the planet will too, so there’s no point worrying about it.

6. Don’t lie about your age. Tempting though it is to pretend your 30s go on forever, and Olympic gold for rhythm gymnastics is still within reach, remind yourself there’s no shame in retiring the leotard, ribbon and ball for golf shoes and fishing rods, and telling everyone that 44 is the new 30 – which I can personally vouch for.

 

Happy 40th birthday, twins! Welcome to the blooming club.

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