Could a “sleep divorce” be the key to a happy relationship?
Imagine for a moment, a night without your partner’s snoring. Be bold and picture having the duvet all to yourself.
Even better, dare to dream of what you could do with all the time you spend arguing over whether the window should be open or closed.
Research has shown that sharing a bed can compromise the quality of our sleep, which can have a knock-on effect on our relationships.
So it’s easy to see why for many couples, having the bed all to yourself is one seductive prospect.
In fact, business mogul Barbara Corcoran and Hollywood A-lister Cameron Diaz have famously been vocal in their championing of “sleep divorce” as something that should be normalised.
And unlike in times gone by, when “dad sleeping on the couch” signalled trouble in paradise, younger couples are leading the charge when it comes to sleeping separately.
According to a study from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, almost half (43%) of millennials occasionally or consistently sleep in a separate room to their partner, compared to just 22% of baby boomers.
One such couple is Dundee pair Maddie Bayley and Tony Holdsworth, who have been living together in separate bedrooms for almost four years now.
Why Dundee couple opted for sleep divorce
“We started sleeping separately after being together just over a year,” explains council worker Maddie, 27, who is originally from Aberdeenshire but now lives and works in Dundee.
She says there were a “multitude” of factors which fuelled the couple’s decision at the time, firstly the fact that Tony was working at Tesco during the Covid pandemic while Maddie was at home.
“We had schedule differences and he would come back later in the evenings,” explains the Dundee University graduate.
On top of their differing sleep schedules, medical issues meant it was better for both Maddie and Tony’s wellbeing to try a “sleep divorce”.
Tony says he has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnoea, a condition where his breathing stops and starts when he sleeps.
It was so bad earlier in 2024 that he was routinely falling asleep at work, he says.
“It’s been building up for a long time,” explains video game tester Tony, 30, who hails from Lancashire.
“I have excessive snoring to the point where I’m choking in my sleep. It’s not conducive to a good sleeping situation,” he laughs.
“Yeah, it can be quite distressing, being in the same room with someone who has sleep apnoea,” adds Maddie, as she recalls moving ‘temporarily’ to the couch during lockdown.
Couples therapist: Sleeping apart ‘can strengthen’ a relationship
Indeed, Dundee-based relationship expert and couples therapist Nicole McKendry admits that although she’s not a regular advocate for sleep separation, it “can strengthen a relationship” if it’s being used to address poor sleep quality.
“Sleep separation is not something I regularly recommend but it can and does have its benefits and place within relationships,” explains Nicole.
“Sleep is so important for all of us and if we are deprived of quality sleep it can lower our moods, health, productivity and generally our overall wellbeing which in turn will likely impact our relationships.
“So if a couple is experiencing interrupted sleep from one partner’s excessive snoring, perhaps due to apnoea, perimenopause symptoms, chronic pain, insomnia, illness or restless leg syndrome, then sometimes the arrangement of sleeping apart can strengthen their relationship.”
Separate bedrooms give individuals space
Now four years down the line, Tony has a CPAP machine for his sleep apnoea which means the pair can comfortably sleep in the same bed.
But Maddie and Tony discovered that sleeping separately gave them more than just brighter eyes and bushier tails.
It also gave them each valuable time to themselves – which in turn made them value time together even more.
“We each liked our own space anyway,” explains Maddie. “Even during our free time when we shared a room, we’d be able to say: ‘I’m just going to go and be by myself for a bit’ and it wasn’t taken personally by either of us.
“Now when he comes to wake me up on a weekend or comes into bed with me for a cuddle, it’s quite nice to value that time together even more.”
Does sleeping apart kill intimacy?
One concern for couples considering a sleep divorce is often that it will affect emotional or physical intimacy.
But Maddie and Tony say those things have “stayed the same” even as they made the move to a two-bedroom flat so they could have separate bedrooms.
“We haven’t gotten further apart or anything,” Maddie explains. “We’re still under the same roof, we still see one another every day, we eat together – the only difference is we don’t stick to the same bed.
“Whoever wakes up first goes in and says ‘good morning’ to the other,” she continues. “I’m normally the one who goes to bed first, and it sounds really childish but he’ll come to bed and sort of tuck me in.”
It may “sound childish” but according Nicole, it’s those moments of closeness which help ‘sleep divorced’ couples stay connected.
“Some of the benefits to sharing a bed mean that a couple has a space to communicate and connect before and after sleep,” explains Nicole. “So when opting to sleep apart there can be decreased communication and those valuable moments of sharing your day can be lost.
“Therefore, if sleeping apart a couple should be intentional with emotional and physical intimacy and crucially prioritise quality time together,” she advises.
Holidaying in separate hotel rooms
Experts agree that there are lots of different ways to go about sleep divorce, including separate twin beds, separate rooms or splitting sleep times.
Where Tony treats his room as “a place to sleep” and often spends his free time in communal areas, Maddie finds comfort in having a space which she can personalise to her own taste.
“Our rooms are quite different,” Maddie chuckles. “My room has fairylights and things on the walls, I have my mirror and my jewellery and all sorts. His room is…”
“Just purely functional,” chips in Tony. “It’s a place where I sleep.”
Maddie and Tony love their “sleep divorce” arrangement so much they even replicated it on holiday, booking two hotel rooms instead of one when they went away for their anniversary.
“It was actually really nice,” says Maddie. “We got our time to get ready separately, and he literally came to the door in my hotel room with a bunch of roses. It felt like we were going on a date.”
“It’s quite exciting, in a way that it might not be if I was there watching her doing her make-up and not having the same anticipation of seeing her,” adds Tony.
To bed or not to bed? A historical debate
Indeed, history reveals that the idea of sharing a bed has been more about fashion or function than feelings.
In ancient Rome, couples would share a “marital bed” but often retire separately to sleep. But it became necessary to sleep together under the impoverishing conditions of the Medieval period, where people had less room.
Regency period dramas such as Bridgerton often depict separate sleeping quarters for couples, and it was common to have separate beds at that time.
Things flip-flopped again in the Victorian era, when fashion dictated ornate shared beds, but medical experts advised sleeping separately.
It’s only been since the end of the Second World War that sleeping in separate beds signalled an ailing marriage.
But Nicole clarifies that “choosing to sleep apart does not always mean something is wrong within a relationship”.
And she notes that “talking openly about this may help couples like this feel more comfortable and accepted”.
Stigma won’t stop couple sleeping soundly
Luckily, the lingering stigma hasn’t exactly kept Maddie or Tony up at night.
“There’s an expectation that if you’re a couple, you’re going to be sleeping together,” observes Maddie.
“I feel like if you tell certain people you sleep in separate rooms, they really jump to: ‘There must be a problem in their relationship, something weird is happening’. But it’s literally just what suits us best.”
However, the couple have been pleasantly surprised by the general acceptance they’ve found when sharing the details of their living situation.
And they hope it signals a shift in people’s perceptions of sleep divorce.
They even reckon couples who have the means should try sleeping separately to see if it improves their overall wellbeing and relationship.
“It is a privilege, having the space to sleep separately,” Maddie acknowledges. “But I think people should give it a go and see if it’s for them.”
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