Pete Eyre sits with a coffee in We Are Zest, a café in St Andrews that is a long term supporter of Andy’s Man Club (AMC). He is here to talk to me about his experience of finding the club and his journey from ‘customer to facilitator’ at AMC St Andrews.
As we chat, he breaks off mid-sentence to watch someone come through the door. He is constantly assessing the situation in the café before he catches himself and tells me that he is actually displaying one of the symptoms of PTSD.
“I didn’t recognise for many years that it put me so on edge,” he explains. “For example as we sit now or when I go anywhere I always sit so that I can see the door, because I have got something called hyper-vigilance.
“When someone comes in, I assess them and the situation very quickly. Family and close friends had known for many years that I was suffering from PTSD but I hadn’t felt able to acknowledge this or seek help. Complex PTSD is very isolating.”
Pete grew up in Manchester and joined the Royal Air Force when he was 16, serving for 34 years and achieving the rank of warrant officer. He describes himself as, “outwardly very successful but inwardly dealing with so much.”
Now, married with older children, he reflects on that time: “Military is life unlike that of civilians,” he points out. “You are exposed to so much that is impossible to explain – military personnel see things that others cannot imagine and then coming out and settling into civilian life is difficult.”
Pete did two tours of Afghanistan and says the impact of his experiences started to really affect him a couple of weeks after returning from the second tour, but he wasn’t really aware of any change at the time. “Family and close friends could immediately see the differences but, being in it, I was unable to see the extent of how much life was impacted for me and my family.
“It is important for people to listen to their family as it is hard when you are in this to acknowledge that things are different and to get help.”
Withdrawn from life
Upset, but determined to tell his story, as he knows that it echoes that of so many other men, he tells me that he came to a crisis point with his mental health 18 months ago. “I experienced a very challenging time and a period that I don’t remember very clearly at all. It led to me needing to fully withdraw from family life to have space away from everyone and everything.
“I was supported by my wife to access mental health support and received a diagnosis of complex PTSD.”
He says that he thinks that: “Others may recognise this feeling: I needed to be in a small space with a locking door, away from everyone where there nothing unexpected can happen. I couldn’t understand at this time how much behaviour and patterns could be seen by others, but now, in recovery, I can see this.”
For Pete, “an accumulation of traumas,” have had an immense impact on his mental health, “although I know that in some respects, I am very fortunate in that I could access private treatment”.
So despite experiencing some very dark times he still asserts that he has been lucky, “Getting private treatment is something many veterans can’t do, so I see myself as very privileged. I also got help from a fantastic charity organisation called Combat Stress who work with veterans.”
Stray golf ball had Pete ‘screaming inside’
Pete remembers going for a walk with his wife across the 18th fairway of The Old Course in St Andrews. “So it’s broad daylight and we are just walking the dogs, then someone played a golf shot and the ball ricocheted off a car. The ball hit the car, which was fine, I could see it and it was just somebody’s nice car getting dented so that didn’t bother me, but the next thing, I found myself hiding in a shop doorway.
“They shouted fore for the next ball coming in and I just started screaming inside – I don’t know why now because I can’t remember it. I can only just remember my wife saying, ‘are you OK?’ Complex PTSD impacts when you least expect it – even when you are accessing treatment – triggers can occur at any time without warning.”
It was Pete’s wife who first heard about Andy’s Man Club and she encouraged him to go along. “She kept asking me to go and eventually I knew I couldn’t carry on as I was.”
He admits that it took him years to reach the point where he could reach out for this kind of support and if he has one piece of advice for anyone else it would be: “do not leave it as long as I did”.
“So I went along for the first night. The session starts at 7pm and I walked up and down outside for 20 minutes – I just couldn’t go in.
“Eventually, I knocked on the window and the guys let me in.
They were doing the ‘talking ball’ exercise, where they take turns to answer questions about their week. “To be honest, I didn’t string a sentence together – I couldn’t speak at all,” says Pete.
“And by the end of the session, I just gave a brief background of who I was and that was that. So from there on, I guess I was a customer. I have been going for around eight months, and I’ve got better and better at being able to talk and listen.”
A real turning point for Pete came when St Andrews club facilitator Greg Munro asked if he would be interested in helping to lead the weekly sessions. “Obviously Greg saw things getting better for me and he asked if I would be interested in doing the facilitator’s role.”
Pete was supported with online training and now helps to lead the meetings in St Andrews each Monday evening.
Not just a ‘bunch of men’ talking
He says: “Honestly, if talking about my experience stops one person from killing themselves it will be worth it. It’s quite something, honestly – I know people might see a bunch of men talking but it’s just incredible.”
He is well aware of the impact that even one AMC meeting can have on the lives of the men who attend and is keen to spread the world of how it has helped in his recovery, especially as we hurtle towards Christmas, the festival that can be full of joy for some but such a difficult time for many others.
“I have spent a lot of Christmases on my own,” recalls Pete, “because I find it challenging to be in situations – no matter how much I look forward to them – where there are a lot of people or potential for unpredictability.
“I just stayed on my own at the house with our dogs. Now I have awareness of how complex PTSD impacts, I know now that this was my way of coping. I am learning how to deal with things and to recognise triggers and put in protective measures to help me.”
The key message from Andy’s Man Club is that it is OK for men to talk about their feelings. Greg Munro was one of the facilitators who welcomed Pete to his first AMC meeting all those months ago. Greg got involved with Andy’s Man Club not because of his own mental health difficulties but because he had lost friends to suicide and wanted to do something tangible to help.
Both Greg and Pete are modest about the difference they have made to local men’s lives but both have experienced conversations where service users have told them that AMC has made the ultimate difference: “There are maybe five different members who have taken me aside and said that they might not be here if I hadn’t been there for them,” says Greg.
“One of the lads has gone from his own severe traumas to helping out in his new group,” he explains with pride.
The idea of coming along to a meeting for a chat and a cup of tea at 7pm on Mondays may sound simple, but that’s the beauty of AMC, according to the two facilitators.
Although nothing that is said in the Andy’s Man Club meetings can be repeated outside that safe space, Pete says that the experience can be extremely powerful. Men from all walks of life and from ages 18 through to 70 plus attend and it is common for participants to open up in a way that they have never done before.
“You have feedback from other men who’ve come along who have felt that it’s really going to help lift them out of a terrible situation.
Slowly becoming easier for men to talk
“It sounds so simple, just people talking, but it really is something else! I wish you could sit in on a meeting so you could see how it works – it is an amazing place.”
He thinks that it is becoming easier for men to talk openly about their mental health but that it can still be a difficult subject to broach. “People are becoming more aware of it but there was a stage when I wished I had a physical injury, which is a really odd thing to say but I wished that I had something visible so that people could see it.”
“You have don’t to say anything. You literally could come and say nothing if you didn’t want to. So I think but then eventually you can see everybody else is OK with it. You just speak about it.”
St Andrews AMC is one of 12 Andy’s Man Clubs in Fife, a Cupar club opened recently. There are currently five further clubs in Tayside, with Montrose AMC due to open on January 8. To find out more about Andy’s Man Club and find a meeting near you.
Partners and family members of veterans can access a community of support through the Ripple Pond – this helps to put family in touch with others who are supporting their loved ones through similar challenges.
