Christmas and New Year was a time of celebration for many families.
But for Dundee domestic abuse survivor Gillian, it was a reminder that she has been “forever changed” by her experiences of domestic violence – including two New Year Days in a row when she was raped.
Speaking exclusively to The Courier, Gillian reveals in this article how she was kicked, punched and abused on multiple occasions by her “complete narcissist” ex-husband.
She saw “darkness and evil” in his eyes the time he held a blade to her throat.
Her ex-partner even used a steak knife to carve his initials onto her thigh.
Emotionally drained and completely exhausted after years of being “dragged down”, she eventually decided to leave the relationship one Hogmanay.
This led her to spend 10 months in a Women’s Aid refuge after realising: “It was either leave him or kill myself. I was beyond coping.”
However, following the recent jailing of her ex-partner for his abuse of multiple women, she has decided to tell her story in the hope that it can help other domestic abuse victims – including males – take positive action and ultimately save lives.
How did Dundee domestic abuse survivor’s experiences begin?
“My ex-husband was a complete narcissist, in every sense of the word,” said Gillian, who is in her 50s and asked that we withhold her real name.
“He controlled every aspect of my life, from downloading an app to check where I was, using the GPS on my phone, to how I was allowed to dress, the length and colour of my hair.
“He would come into my work drunk and get angry if I was later coming home from work.
“He never understood that I was a manager. I didn’t go home until the job was done.
“However, in hindsight, I probably didn’t want to go home. I felt safer at work.”
Gillian recalled how during the last two Christmas periods of their relationship, his abuse got worse.
“I was kicked, punched and had a steak knife taken to the top of my thigh,” she said.
“He carved his initials, with the knife.
“This can trigger me as I see this every day.
“On New Year’s Eve, two years in a row, he took my phone, my flat keys, and locked me in the flat.
“The only way that I could get out, was if I jumped out of the windows.
“I was terrified of being trapped and what he was going to do when he got back.
“I wasn’t wrong, he raped me on New Year’s Day of both years.”
Domestic abuse survivor understood husband’s pressures – but it was no excuse
Gillian said the pressures that motivated her ex-husband was his upbringing.
His father beat his mother and these are learned behaviours.
The result was he would gaslight her, or physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally abuse her to the point where she was” begging him to stop”.
Then came the love bombing.
Alcohol played a huge part.
“I know people will ask why I didn’t leave,” said Gillian.
“I had no money, nowhere to go and right up to the day I did leave, I still loved him.
“Unless someone walks in someone else’s shoes, then no one can judge.”
Gillian said she only found out about Women’s Aid a few years ago.
She contacted the police after he “nearly snapped my neck”.
He was arrested, and returned home.
As abuse continued and with an absence of remorse, she realised if she didn’t leave “he would kill me”.
“I did a planned exit, to be able to, firstly have at least one month’s salary, to be safe and put distance between myself and him,” she explained.
Gillian says she is “broken and forever changed” by what she’s been through.
She “can’t be in a relationship now”.
However, she is “healing” and taking it “one minute, one hour, one day at a time”.
Thankful for support network
“I’m lucky, I have a brilliant support network through my family, friends, my faith, my church and counselling if required,” she said.
“I suffer still from PTSD, anxiety, and I do prefer to be on my own.
“When I go outside my senses are heightened. I am very aware of my surroundings.
“However, the message I would say to anyone is, if you can leave, leave.
“If you can, take photos of injuries, start a diary, annotating the abuse, and tell others it’s happening.
“I didn’t tell anyone because I was frightened that my ex-husband would find out.
“Call the police, get the perpetrator arrested.
“The laws are a lot stronger for the victims, and the process does work.
“There are organisations that can help you.
“Women’s Aid are amazing.
“I have so many heroes now, the list is so long I couldn’t get it printed.
“I’m living proof that this can work in Scotland.
“I cannot praise Tayside Police and the Crown Prosecution Service enough.”
Women’s Aid: Do levels of domestic abuse increase at Christmas and New Year?
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone at any time of year.
However, Scottish Women’s Aid CEO Dr Marsha Scott told The Courier that after a quieter period over Christmas/New Year, pent up demand for services tends to rise in the first few weeks of January as people call about the things that happened during that time.
“This time of year coincides with winter and the challenges of the cost of living crisis,” said Marsha.
“We have a bit of a perfect storm this year because really since austerity, local authorities have been scaling back the support they’ve been giving local services that provide refuge and provide support.
“Covid-19 also really disrupted the usual ways of providing support.
“After restrictions were lifted, you really saw a lot of post-Covid related increase in domestic abuse as women tried to leave in numbers.”
Research by Women’s Aid has found that 73% of victims of domestic abuse said that the cost of living crisis had either prevented them from leaving or made it harder to leave.
This was due to the immediate costs of leaving, not being able to afford to live on a single income or the stark reality of not being able to support their children.
Meanwhile, 66% of victims said that abusers are now using the cost of living increase and concerns about financial hardship as a tool for coercive control.
Marsha said the Fund to Leave pilot initiative, being trialled in various local authorities including Fife, had therefore become even more important.
Eligible women who are experiencing domestic abuse can be awarded £500 – £1000 to assist them in the leaving process.
However, while the fund is a good idea, she warns that it’s a “drop in the ocean” with many of the required solutions being systemic.
She also warned that abuse often continues after separation.
“We know from studies that when women are killed by their partner, it very often happens within the six months to a year after they’ve left,” she added.
Marsha welcomed the world-leading Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018, which created a new offence around non-physical forms of abuse such as coercive control.
The early signs of its impact are “pretty good”, and prosecutions by the Crown Office are very high.
When it comes to sentencing, however, she feels there’s “very little evidence that sheriffs really understand coercive control”.
There’s still work to be done and support to be given.
Where to seek more help and advice on domestic abuse
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Call free on 0800 027 1234 or email and web chat at sdafmh.org.uk
You can also text or WhatsApp on 07401288595.
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