Billy Ramsay is a joker – always trying to make other people laugh.
But like many others who are considered the life and soul of the party by friends and family, Billy, from Aberuthven, wore a mask for years, hiding how he was feeling from those closest to him.
Billy, 57, remembers: “I suppose everyone who knows me would say I’m one for joking, making sarcastic comments to get a rise out of people.
“It’s something I’ve always done. But it’s something I’m hiding behind as well.
“I always kept things to myself. And I knew there was something wrong with me, but I didn’t realise how bad it was until two or three years ago when things got on top of me.”
‘I tried to handle everything myself’
Billy’s brother took his own life when he was just 21 and Billy was 22. It was this devastating loss that sparked his mental health journey.
The dad-of-two continues: “I don’t think I ever properly mourned him because I was so busy trying to make sure everyone else was OK.
“It all came to a head a few years ago. I found myself in a really dark place.
“We were on holiday in Turkey and it turned out I’d been in the shower for 45 minutes. I didn’t even realise I was in there until I snapped out of it.
“Not long after that, my fiancée, Caroline, went away for the weekend with her daughters and I was left here myself.
“It was bad. I had no motivation, I just wanted to sleep.
“It was the lowest I’ve ever been but I would never have done anything to myself because I’ve seen first-hand the devastation suicide causes families, especially ours.
“I was always trying to handle everything myself. It was like a pressure cooker – eventually something had to give.”
‘I felt lighter’
Billy began attending Andy’s Man Club (AMC) in Perth, after Caroline suggested he give it a try.
He recalls: “I said I would give it a go, then I backtracked and said I didn’t need it.
“It got to the point where I did go and honestly, even after the first night there was a change there. I just walked out of there feeling a lot lighter.
“I was really raving about it from night one.”
Billy helped facilitate the Perth club, until being asked to help set up a new group in Gleneagles, which has now been running for eight weeks, helping other local men with talking therapy.
‘My kids have got their dad back’
The support Billy received from AMC was transformational, but his family has also been a key pillar in his recovery.
He explains: “My family’s reaction to me attending AMC certainly gave me a lot of confidence. My sister has told me it’s like she’s got her brother back.
“My kids have got their dad back, but you don’t realise that when you’re at your lowest.
“It’s like having two personas. I was so used to it I didn’t even realise I was doing it.
“Back in 2009 I was in Turkey on holiday. My daughter was with us and she said I was acting like ‘holiday dad’. I was so relaxed, so chilled, it was like she had two dads.
“I’d never known she felt like that and it was a shock to me, but I’d just gone through life not realising I’d been doing things like that.
“Caroline has also been absolutely fantastic. She’s been the driving force behind me trying to sort myself out.
“Her support has been immense and immeasurable. I’ve never had that support before, but then I never thought I needed it.
“I now have people I can pick up the phone to, I can go and meet the guys from AMC and honestly, I’m a different person. It’s changed my life and totally turned it around.”