JACQ KELLY: I don’t want to be around your kids – places should have child-free hours

I’ve been in Burntisland for a week by the sea with my girlfriend.

Luckily for us it has been gorgeous, and we have had some excellent walks along the coastal path.

She is here from Canada and had never experienced the Burntisland shows.

I know – she has barely lived.

I wanted to take her on the waltzers, the Ferris wheel, and for a round of crazy golf.

But the thing that jumped out at me while I was looking up opening times online was that everything is marketed at ‘families’.

‘Family fun’ and ‘family friendly’ terms have always put a big toe through my tights.

I chose not to spawn but I don’t consider myself to be bereft of family. I have parents and aunties, a gran, and cousins.

My partner is my family. My dog is my family. And as a queer woman, I embrace members of the LGBT+ community as members of the family I get to choose.

I’d love to banish the term ‘family friendly’ forever and insist that if people mean ‘child friendly’ they should call it that.

Adults can enjoy innocent fun too

More than that, funfairs, and ‘fun’ generally, should be appreciated as being for everyone.

At the age of 42, I have the means to enjoy myself in my spare time. And why the hell shouldn’t I?

Why should my leisure time be solely restricted to boozing, ballet, or brunch?

I like all of those things. But I also want to gorge myself on sweets and candyfloss, and then get as close to spewing on the Waltzers as possible without actually tasting my sweeties in reverse.

Sure there are places like Foreplay, where Crazy Golf for adults is accompanied by a DJ, and serviced with a bar.

But there’s a lot to be said for innocent fun too.

Not least because boozy environments aren’t always safe for everyone.

And even outside of the sphere of activities primarily marketed at children, we aren’t guaranteed to be allowed to have a nice time.

Children can ruin our experience

I always check restaurant policies beforehand, whether or not there will be children in my group when reserving a table.

I know there are plenty of adults who don’t have bairns and are able to pretend that the horror at the next again table isn’t happening.

Unpopular opinion, but I wish there were more pubs that were child free. I don’t hate children, but I also like to drink in places where they aren’t running around.

— Alice (@Backpainandwine) July 22, 2022

I’ve even heard that some people just aren’t even bothered about it.

But some of us don’t want to try and follow a conversation with our friends while the kid barely a metre away watches a film on their tablet (without headphones) or plays a violent video game (without headphones).

I don’t want to listen to a toddler slamming their sippy cup against any available surface again, and again, and again.

And I’m really not interested in humouring bored children who want to talk to me about my Guide Dog while I’m trying to unhinge my jaw sufficiently wide enough to consume my gourmet burger.

I’m sure there are plenty of parents who also find these things exhausting, and I understand that.

But that’s something that’s probably worth weighing up before, not after, having the kids in the first place.

For definite, the parents who will complain about my point of view will invariably be the ones who can ignore the carnage their offspring are unleashing in the middle of a lunchtime sitting in a ‘family friendly’ restaurant.

Sure, they are just kids, and that’s just how they behave. But when I tip my dinner all over my head, the table, the chair, and the other patrons, I get asked to leave. And rightly so.

Businesses should have child-free hours

But I get it. Parents need to be able to go out to places.

Kids need to be socialised so that they eventually understand how to behave in public. Yadda yadda.

So I want to suggest a compromise. While I accept we need to have child-friendly events, venues, and opening hours, businesses should also consider child-free hours for those of us who aren’t bringing weans with us.

Whatever the reason for that is.

I’m not asking for a blanket ban. Maybe just a couple of hours a week where I can do stuff that is fun.

I know I’ll be accused of expressing anti-child sentiment because of this suggestion.

But I also know, for sure, that there are plenty of parents of young kids whose eyes light up at the prospect of a child-free afternoon.

Many of us without kids work week in, week out, and deserve a bit of time to relax.

Those with kids, arguably, need that even more.

So, if not for me, then do it for them.

After all, why should the kids have all the fun?

Jacq Kelly works in public affairs, and lives in Fife. She is a trustee of The Hive, Fife’s LGBT+ Centre in Kirkcaldy, and is accompanied through life by a lovely Guide Dog called Hillary.