It’s not news that sexual violence is a problem in our society. This is a good thing surely? It suggests people are paying attention.
They are, including men.
However, among the headlines, the radio programmes and surveys the question remains: “What’s a guy to do?”
For me the answer is simply to be “That Guy“.
Who is That Guy?
That Guy is someone who believes that ending sexual violence is their responsibility.
He is the Guy who isn’t afraid to stand up to men’s violence against women and girls or against anyone for that matter.
That Guy is a role model who leads by example.
He realises his involvement will help boys and men as well as helping girls, women, and others.
I know many men want to be That Guy.
I also know many men don’t realise that many other men want to be That Guy as well
So how can you be That Guy? How can you let other men know that they can be to?
Here’s how.
Sexual violence – That Guy does his research
That Guy leans into the issues: he does the knowledge about men’s violence.
That Guy owns the problem of men’s violence against women and girls.
He knows that men are harmed by women but also knows that doesn’t distract from his role in ending men’s violence.
He uses the knowledge to talk to other men about these issues.
That Guy talks to his friends: He asks his friends, men and women, what they think about sexual violence.
He asks them how they feel when they hear other men using sexually derogatory language.
He asks them how they handle consent when they’re hooking up.
That Guy talk about what confuses him and gets advice from others.
He realises the more we start talking about these things, the less awkward it’ll be when things come up.
He knows what he promotes, he permits.
Speaking up can change the culture
That Guy leads by example: If one of his friends, classmates or teammates says something he’s uncomfortable with, he lets them know he’s not okay with it.
Staring, unwanted chat, harassment – women face all this in places like gyms
Men, we can help do something aboot this#DontBeThatGuy pic.twitter.com/bPPhawCHtn
— Alistair Heather (@Historic_Ally) October 18, 2022
He has learned that when we hear something demeaning about women, most men feel uncomfortable, but don’t speak up because no one else does.
By going first, That Guy makes it ok for others to act.
He signals that a behaviour isn’t acceptable.
That Guy gets involved: As a man in Scotland, he is happy to co-host an event with a women’s group or fundraise for survivors.
He knows he can help create a safe culture where abuse doesn’t happen.
That Guy speaks to women about sexual violence – and he listens and learns
That Guy speaks to women in his life – That Guy listens to their experiences of harassment.
He begins to understand that survivors and victims are within his social circle.
He listens to woman’s’ perspectives on what it’s like to stay safe.
And he uses his discomfort to motivate him to do more.
That Guy has the courage to look inward – he recognises his past involvement in sexist banter and commits to doing better.
He encourages his friends to do the same.
That Guy is a guidepost – he recognises the role he has in society to educate the next generation of men.
He aims to create more That Guys.
When words translate into action
That Guy sweats the small stuff – he recognises the power of language to cause harm.
He knows that by addressing likes of banter and jokes he can help reduce sexual assault.
Society needs more men to be like him.
And a growing number of men are signing up to be That Guy.
Imagine a society where being That Guy was just normal and accepted.
Most men care deeply about the issue of men’s violence.
We can all be That Guy.
And we can all make a difference when we choose to be him.
Graham Goulden is an experienced leadership and violence prevention trainer, who has helped Police Scotland to develop the latest phase of the award-winning That Guy campaign. For 30 years he was a Scottish police officer and chief investigator specialising in criminal investigation, drug investigation, training and crime prevention.
Conversation