There are very few similarities between myself and the Kardashian clan matriarch, Kris Jenner.
She’s a squillionaire who regularly rubs shoulders with the L.A elite.
I’m a working class single mum who is on first name terms with the women who run our local charity shop.
Kris is known for being a ‘momager’ to her famous brood. She manages their careers and takes a generous cut of their earnings for the trouble.
She pushes them to succeed in whatever capitalist hellhole venture they are currently pursuing.
In the past, this ultimate stage-mum has been accused of being over-bearing and over-involved in her daughters’ working lives.
Alas, I fear I might be headed the same way.
Daughter’s hobby is bringing out my inner stage-mum
It’s coming up to the season of sparkle and snow – which means my eight year old daughter is fully booked up with events and social engagements.
If I want to spend any quality time with her I have to speak to her secretary (also me) and schedule it at least a week in advance.
She’s an enthusiastic member of our local theatre group and at the weekend they had their long-awaited Christmas show.
Yes, I know it’s November, but this is showbiz.
The theatre takes its annual shows extremely seriously.
There are months of rehearsals in advance of the big day: technical rehearsals, dress rehearsals, vocal warm-up exercises and stern instructions that there are NO DAIRY PRODUCTS ALLOWED in packed lunches on the day of the show.
My kid doesn’t aspire to make acting a career. She just likes dressing up and opportunities for a group sing-a-long.
And I’d quite like her to have a happy life that contains no material for a misery memoir of a child star. So I don’t want that for her either.
But the urge to help her be the best wee Elf Number Six Who Doesn’t Actually Have a Speaking Part is a strong one.
Stage-mum knows best
She was staying with her dad the night before the show.
As a recovering control-freak, this was particularly difficult for me.
Would he remember that her hair needed to be styled in a way that could accommodate an elf hat and ears?
Would he remember to pack her jazz shoes?
Does he even know what jazz shoes ARE?
I couldn’t leave it to chance, so I typed up a step-by-step packing and to-do list for him to follow.
The show went off without a hitch.
There was a dicey moment when I noticed her laces were untied and feared she was about to have a You’ve Been Framed moment, but all was well.
Tis the season to be pushy
Her next big performance is at an inter-school poetry competition in a few weeks’ time.
The last time she was selected to represent her school at it, she came third.
She’s going for gold this year. And I’m trying to sound sincere when I assure her that it’s the taking part that counts.
"Momager" Kris Jenner has led her family to success since landing them a reality TV show that changed everything. https://t.co/4TnXQDOogy
— Forbes (@Forbes) November 20, 2022
So I splice my horrifying stage-mum advice (Remember and PROJECT your voice! Poetry is as much about the performance as it is about the prose!) with cheerful reminders to just enjoy the experience. Medals-shmedals.
Shortly after that she’s got another two Christmas theatre productions. And then, finally, the highlight of every child’s school career: the nativity show.
Maybe the reason I’ve been channelling my inner Kris Jenner recently is because I’m still raging about the all the years I was the donkey.
Although if my daughter is to suffer a similar fate, you better believe we’ll be watching donkey braying videos on YouTube before taking the assembly hall by storm.
I’ll be glad when performance season is over and I can shove my stage-mum alter-ego back deep into my subconscious where it belongs.
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