Can you get more straight-laced than a Presbyterian Kirk on a Sunday morning in the late Victorian period?
Add the cold of November to the chaffing off harsh tweed trousers pressed against the legs by hard icy pews and the picture of misery is complete.
The only welcome warmth would come from a fire and brimstone sermon or a blast of the Psalms by the precentor.
But one November in 1896, a wealthy chap called Robert Stirling livened up a service by giving a woman worshipper a sound kicking for taking his seat.
Robert Stirling, a manufactuer, turned into a “wild bear” and even ripped the hat off Mrs Walls, the wife of a spirit dealer.
The bust up was the culmination of a long-standing dispute between Mr Stirling and Mrs Walls.
They both laid claim to the seat and Mr Stirling was known to leap over pews to get into his place.
On Sunday, November 1, 1896, Mr Stirling burst into the kirk in a fury. He wedged himself next to Mrs Walls and immediately struck out with his elbows.
Mrs Walls looked at Stirling to see “if he was wise enough”.
At that point, Stirling lashed out with his feet, kicking her legs. He was so angry, he even put his foot through his own hat.
This is where he really lost it. Stirling took revenge for the damage to his own hat by tearing off the hat from the head of Mrs Walls. It was attached with three pins but Stirling threw it into the passage.
Someone returned the hat to Mrs Walls but Stirling grabbed it and pushed his own hat on Mrs Wall’s head.
At the court cases, minister Angus Morrison said he was not in the church at time but was aware there had been a dispute over a seat.
The defence pointed out that Stirling had been refused access to the seat on at least six occasions and had to leap over pews to get in.
One witness said she had seen Mrs Walls knock Stirling’s hat off with her fist on a previous occasion.
The court found the assault charge against Stirling proven but issued no penalty.
Although the incident took place in Kirkintilloch, it made big news in The Courier, as did a dreadful fight at St Paul’s RC Church in East Calder.
There had been a dispute over money between parishoners and the pastor, Father Monaghan. It came to a head one Sunday afternoon when the pastor put a group of objectors out of the church.
The rebels waited for the clergyman outside the church and a fight broke out. It was a real “scrimmage” but the priest emerged victorious.