It’s not what the Tartan Army particularly wants to hear but England ARE going to win the World Cup.
How can Coming Up state so categorically that the Three Lion’s penalty takers won’t be enjoying lucrative advertising gigs after sending a particularly poor quarter final effort into orbit?
Because Professor Stephen Hawking says so, that’s why.
The boffin’s boffin has crunched the numbers and deduced a formula to ensure Stevie G, Ian Wright Wright Wright and Wozza won’t be staring into the black hole of oblivion come July 13.
He’s also scientifically formulated the perfect penalty because, as he puts it in geek-speak, “England couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo.”
All the vital ingredients for an England win are outlined in Thursday’s Courier.
And Hawking isn’t the only boffin who’s been busy.
Those clever chaps and chappeses (actually, just chaps only blokes could be so clever yet daft at the same time) at Google have designed the first driverless car.
It’s like a normal car but it doesn’t have a steering wheel. Or brakes. Or an accelerator. And it might be illegal.
With a top speed of 25mph and a foam bumper, it could be perfect for experienced drivers, many of whom are actually out-of-control menaces when they get behind the wheel.
That’s according to a survey love ‘em which suggests the longer a driver drives, the worse he (undoubtedly, he) gets.
Thursday’s Courier is driving the news agenda.
Elsewhere in the paper, we have the latest on a day of BIG announcements by Better Together and Yes Scotland which have in no way cleared up the country’s post-referendum economic landscape.
Our Referendum Roadshow attracted a proper celebrity (and a dog peed on our scientific poll) when it rolled into Fife.
And we conclude our exclusive series on drug treatment by examining the shocking number of discarded needles in Courier Country and debate the issue of shooting galleries.
For all this and so much more see Thursday’s Courier or try our digital edition.