BBC Newsnight from Broughty Ferry last night featured someone who looks like him. But today The Courier hears from the man himself yes, it’s Bob Servant answering YOUR independence referendum questions.
Could we use the pound?My pal Frank has one nice jacket, a modified duffle coat he picked up at Dens Road market in the ’70s. In the ’80s he extensively remodelled it, using a selection of buttons that I salvaged from a water-damaged cardigan. That jacket is part of our shared heritage. If Frank and I were to split, are you telling me I can’t wear the duffle just because it’s kept at Frank’s house? No-one could stop me wearing the duffle.
But here’s the thing. Whenever I was wearing the duffle, folk would say “is that you wearing Frank’s duffle again?” and I’d say “it’s my duffle too” and they’d say “so why’s it kept at Frank’s house”. Yes, I’d be wearing the duffle but I’d be left feeling about five inches tall. It’s a tough one.Will we have an army?Don’t need one. We’ll defend ourselves through double bluff. If any international wide-boys come calling we’ll wave them onshore, hand out top-level smiles, reach for the handshake and then deliver the most awful of Chinese burns.
For the would-be invaders it will be a painful lesson they’re unlikely to forget in a hurry.When is the oil going to run out?Knowing the oil mob, probably next week. You’ll never meet a bigger bunch of crooks. One of them took a pretty penny off me in Stewpot’s Bar one night in a well-worked scam involving the phrase “offshore banking”.What did you think of the debates?Don’t want to talk about the debates. I offered to warm up the crowd with an adult puppet show that would push every envelope going, and I didn’t even get a response. Pathetic.What do you think of the leaders?I have a lot of time for both men. I met Alex Salmond at a badminton tournament at the Lynch Centre in 1979. We had some decent innuendo about shuttlecocks and a good laugh in the changing rooms where Alex showed us a rather risqu impression with his towel (it was the ’70s).
But then again I met Alistair Darling at a jumble sale in Fintry in 1989. We had a laugh about the unrealistic pricing of a pair of china dogs, and shared a foot-long hot dog where we ate our way to meet in the middle, like the dogs did with the bone in Lady and The Tramp (I can’t speak for Alistair but I was heavily intoxicated).
So, as you can imagine, I’m hopelessly torn. May the best man win.The nation is being ripped apart, can it be mended after the vote?My friend Tommy Peanuts and his wife used to have the most awful arguments. And you know what Tommy used to say? He said “the more we argue, the more we love each other”. I always thought that was a wonderful wee saying.
Sadly Tommy’s wife left him shortly after and now lives with a sparky in Invergowrie, but the sentiment remains the same. Come September 19 I hope we’re all pals again and handing out equal respect all round. With obviously a little bit on top for me.
*Series two of Bob Servant returns to the BBC in the autumn.